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I went to a swim meet with my kids the other night. I worked in the "bull pen," which is the holding area for the different age groups of kids.
Some of the kids were wonderful. They were excited, but pretty much did what they were supposed to do, went where they were supposed to go when it was time, and listened when they were talked to. Some weren't as... great to work with.
One child was particularly challenging. He didn't do as he was asked, he didn't stay in the bull pen, and caused havoc with the adults trying to manage the kids in getting them to their events on time.
I was one of the adults trying to manage these children. There was one other adult helping. We tried several times to talk with this child to get him to a place of understanding what was expected of him. Nothing seemed to work. The other woman who was helping was so frustrated that she threw her hands up and told me that she was giving up in dealing with this one child.
The lady helping me said that he needed to be taught some respect. She comes from another country and said that her parents would have never tolerated even a small amount of his bad behavior. I asked what would have happened in her family. She said that the children would have shown respect to the adults, listened, waiting their turn to speak, and if they didn't, would have been spanked.
Clearly, something needs to happen with this boy. Some things already should have been happening with him at home. I don't know his situation at home, but it was obvious that his behavior was a result of what is (or more likely what isn't) taking place with him at home.
There are a lot of things that came to mind that might be missing for him. Again, I cannot say without knowing more about his home life. All I can do is take what lessons I can from trying to work with him that night and apply them with my own family. And, ultimately, our issue, in my opinion, became one with his parents, as they are the ones that are in a position to deal appropriately with him to get him doing what he was supposed to do.
I'm sure we've all had to deal with unruly children. At some point, most all of us have been put in a situation where we have to manage others' kids, but of course we cannot discipline them, nor would it do much good to do that; the discipline they get at home (or lack of it) is so different that trying to teach a child in a situation like this can be futile.
Have any of you been put in a similar position? If so, what happened? Let us know. Either comment below, or write in my parenting forum at: http://www.positive-parenting-with-purpose.com/parenting-discipline.html. Read or contribute to other forum posts on my
Positive Parenting Blog.
If this is a topic of interest to you, check out some of my similar pages: "Parenting Skills" of Communication, and "Parenting Children" by being a Parent vs a Friend.
I am so tired of seeing out of control kids. People need to spend some serious time thinking about whether or not they are actually going to PARENT their kids before they have them. Parents are too "busy" for their kids, or just don't have a clue.
ReplyDeleteI agree.
DeleteWow, talk about jumping to conclusions. The kid should not be blamed for his behaviour. He could even have some kind of learning disability. If nothing worked as you say, then he almost certainly has a learning problem. No wonder these kids do not get helped and are ostracised their entire lives. Shame on you for these judgements. Try researching what the problems are that face autistic kids or kids with high functioning autism - the main one is people assuming they are little shits all the time. I am repulsed by such an article, it is terrible biased, judgemental and ignorant. Thank goodness you were not able to "discipline" this child. Would you feel that you needed to "discipline" an irritating woman? Such backward thinking, I can hardly believe anyone would publish such rubbish.
ReplyDeleteInteresting view point. Based on the tone of your post, I think my post incited some anger, which I find even more interesting.
DeleteWhat I didn't mention was that this child spit on a parent, caused a large group to have to look for him while he was over buying a snow cone, and intentionally threw things in the pool to see if our team really would lose points because of it.
I am not an expert on all of the manifestations of autism or of the myriad of learning disabilities that might be a possibility. I CAN say that I have the utmost respect for the parents I've worked with who have autistic children, as well as my friends who know autism firsthand.
I know this child's family and am not aware of any diagnosis, not to say that there hasn't been one. But I think your post begs a couple of broader questions. Firstly, if the child has a diagnosed issue such as autism, should the laypeople working the meet be expected to appropriately handle this boy without help from the parents (who provided no assistance)? Secondly, does this diagnosis, in this particular setting, matter? Should the volunteers have to take time away from the other children to try to find and keep this one child where he was supposed to be? Should we be okay with losing points as a team because of some of what this boy was doing?
Which brings me back to what I originally wrote, that the parents, in my view, were the issue here.
I am good friends with several families that each have an autistic child. One, in particular, handles situations with their child with outstanding grace. The difference is, they are very present.
I believe in respecting diversity, which includes in my book individual circumstances. But I also believe that attempts should be made not to make the masses suffer for the benefit of one, especially when it's avoidable. I, myself, have a child with a chronic medical issue. But I believe that this burden is not others', and I want to be told if others feel taken advantage of for his benefit. It's not right.
In this particular situation, I believe that this child's parents are not very involved with him, and his social development is just one part of what's at stake for him. That's not his fault and he shouldn't be blamed for that, as you mentioned.
Is my post judgmental? Yes, it is. Is it ignorant? I'm sure opinions vary. Is it biased? Absolutely. Blogs, by definition, are personal accounts.
So what do others think about this topic?
Are you kidding me? How come every time a kid misbehaves theres someone else ready to say "wait a minute! This kid might have {whatever}." "Anonymous," this kid might have a labeled problem, but he's still the parent's responsibility. And you say that “if nothing worked as you say, then he almost certainly has a learning problem.” Who is jumping to conclusions now, “Anonymous”? I would bet most behavioral problems are because the kids think that they can get away with it. Get off your high horse.
DeleteI agree with the second "Anonymous" above that circumstances we might not know about should be taken into consideration, but I also agree that parents should tend to their own children so that they are not trouble to other people.
ReplyDelete