Teaching Kids an "I Can" Attitude

This is kind of titled incorrectly in a way.  I believe that you can't really teach attitude.  You can talk with your kids about attitude, about how it makes a difference in life in so many ways, but you can't teach it.  It's one of those things that a child -- anyone for that matter -- has to decide about on their own.

Attitude is one of those things that I think somewhat germinates on its own.  It's how someone plants the seeds of their thought that makes the difference in whether our outlook is sunny or cloudy or somewhere in between.  I believe that it all starts with thought.

I was at a training seminar a couple of years ago and was given a poster that says it better than I can.  Here it is:

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.  Choose your words for they become actions.  Understand your action for it becomes habit.  Study your habits for they create character.  Develop your character for it becomes your destiny."  (Author Unknown.)

So back to the topic, Teaching Kids an "I Can" Attitude.  Since we can't really teach attitude, but we want our children to understand the importance of it and try to maintain a positive outlook, how do we do it?  I believe that one of the best ways is to demonstrate it.  Be the example. (See my site's page on being a good influence as a parent by being a good example.)  Kids learn best not by being told, but by being shown -- through observation.  And as I sit here writing this, I am coming up with a whole bunch of things I can do a better job demonstrating myself!

I'm writing this post today because I think it's so interesting how chance encounters or just specific moments in our lives can really make us think.  I mean, think at a deeper level than our hustle and bustle lives usually allow us to.  It's interesting how the thoughts that come out of these moments can change our entire outlook, hopefully, for good.

I received an e-mail from someone I don't know today.  She's a cancer survivor.  But, that's just a label. (She's also a mother and wife, among, I'm sure, many other noble labels.)  After being introduced to her blog and reading it, I can only believe that she's had an amazing journey --- one of optimism, courage, leadership, and grace.  I don't know Heather, but I was inspired by her blog and want to wish her the best.  If you'd like to read about her journey yourself, click here to read her blog.

She's demonstrated the "I Can" attitude for her daughter.  What better way for a daughter to learn a whole host of fantastic character traits than to see her mother exemplifying them?  So this e-mail I got from Heather today was a reminder for me today about the power of example, especially as it relates to attitude.  I'll be especially aware of it later today with my own family and hope to be a good example for them, not just today, but for the days that follow, too.

Thanks for the reminder, Heather.  Best regards.


For more topics related to this one, check out my site's pages on "Parenting Today" through a Can Do attitude,  and "Teaching Your Children Values". 

Quotes on Parenting

I have a friend who went to a Christian-based parenting seminar the other evening.  She LOVED it.  She said the speaker gave her some great ideas on parenting, but one of the best things she came away from the seminar with was some good parenting quotes.  She said that it's amazing how short little phrases can sometimes just make certain parenting situations so clear.

The phrase that this speaker quoted, which she got the most from was "Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child." 

I've heard this before and even have a coaster that has this quote on it.  But in the particular context of this speaker, she said it really put a nice wrapping and bow on how she often feels when she's parenting.

It got me thinking about other parent quotes.  There are quite a few parenting quotes that encapsulate how different people, some famous, some anonymous, feel about parenting.

For some good ones, see my parenting quotes pages on Positive Parenting with Purpose,  or better yet, send in some that you think are good!  We'd love to see them.

Teaching Kids Respect

I went to a swim meet with my kids the other night.  I worked in the "bull pen," which is the holding area for the different age groups of kids.

Some of the kids were wonderful.  They were excited, but pretty much did what they were supposed to do, went where they were supposed to go when it was time, and listened when they were talked to.  Some weren't as... great to work with.

One child was particularly challenging.  He didn't do as he was asked, he didn't stay in the bull pen, and caused havoc with the adults trying to manage the kids in getting them to their events on time.

I was one of the adults trying to manage these children.  There was one other adult helping.  We tried several times to talk with this child to get him to a place of understanding what was expected of him.  Nothing seemed to work. The other woman who was helping was so frustrated that she threw her hands up and told me that she was giving up in dealing with this one child.

The lady helping me said that he needed to be taught some respect.  She comes from another country and said that her parents would have never tolerated even a small amount of his bad behavior.  I asked what would have happened in her family.  She said that the children would have shown respect to the adults, listened, waiting their turn to speak, and if they didn't, would have been spanked.

Clearly, something needs to happen with this boy.  Some things already should have been happening with him at home.  I don't know his situation at home, but it was obvious that his behavior was a result of what is (or more likely what isn't)  taking place with him at home.

There are a lot of things that came to mind that might be missing for him.  Again, I cannot say without knowing more about his home life.  All I can do is take what lessons I can from trying to work with him that night and apply them with my own family. And, ultimately, our issue, in my opinion, became one with his parents, as they are the ones that are in a position to deal appropriately with him to get him doing what he was supposed to do. 

I'm sure we've all had to deal with unruly children.  At some point, most all of us have been put in a situation where we have to manage others' kids, but of course we cannot discipline them, nor would it do much good to do that; the discipline they get at home (or lack of it) is so different that trying to teach a child in a situation like this can be futile. 

Have any of you been put in a similar position?  If so, what happened?  Let us know.  Either comment below, or write in my parenting forum at:  http://www.positive-parenting-with-purpose.com/parenting-discipline.html.  Read or contribute to other forum posts on my
Positive Parenting Blog.

If this is a topic of interest to you, check out some of my similar pages:  "Parenting Skills"  of Communication, and "Parenting Children" by being a Parent vs a Friend. 

Spanking vs. Time Outs

This has become a question that gets more and more attention as of late: Is spanking a better way to discipline a child, or is the time - out a better method? Now days, there is a lot of discussion that neither is the BEST method of really changing the behavior of a child in a direction that is best for the child and the family.  Allowing children to experience directly-relational consequences has a lot of merit.  We'll discuss this in a later post.

I was channel surfing the other night when I came across a segment on a show where the parents were discussing how p.c. we've become.  In that context, they went on to talk about how spanking used to be common place; they were saying that now, you really have to watch what you say about spanking to whom.

I have my own thoughts on this topic, but am interested in hearing from YOU!  

How do you feel about spanking? Are time - outs better in the overall movie of a child's life?

To chime in, either add a comment below, or add it to my web page dedicated to this topic.  You can find it on my parenting site, Positive Parenting with Purpose.com.  The specific page for adding your comments is "Disciplining Children", but there's more information on the topic on the page entitled, "Parenting Discipline".

There is also some discussion on this topic on my facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/PositiveParentingWithPurpose.  Come join the conversation!

Are You a Helicopter Parent ... Or Something Else?

I think this term was coined by Jim Fay, co-founder of the The Love and Logic Institute.  Helicopter parent.  According to Mr. Fay, it is a parent who is overprotective.  They hover and are destructive even though they are trying to be protective.

I never have been this type of parent.  Well.  I say "never."  I have.  I've taken my kids' lunch to school when they've forgotten it, and I've sometimes driven their homework packet to school for them when they've left it at home.

According to Mr. Fay, I've missed out on good learning opportunities for them when I've done that.  (I bet if they didn't have lunch for one day when they forgot it, they wouldn't do THAT again, knowing my kids!)  Now, that may sound tough, but sometimes a little tough love parenting is what is needed for them to grow into adults that can one day handle themselves on their own.

I've never been that much of an overprotective parent. What I have been, though, is a parent that gives a lot of directives.  I did that a lot with our first-born, and I'm hoping with our last, I'm doing things a little differently.  With our first-born, I did exhibit some of the authoritarian parenting style, because I wanted so badly for him to be successful, well-mannered, and just a good kid.

What I've learned, and what I've been constantly working on, is giving up a lot of that control to get a child who can hopefully make good decisions, eventually big decisions, on his own.

Want to know more about helicopter parents?  Go to my page on helicopter parent. Want to know more about the person behind the present-day categorizing of parental styles?  Click here to learn more about Diana Baumrind. Interested in the other styles of parenting as defined by Baumrind?  Learn more about all the parenting styles here. Also relevant is my page on poor parenting.

Have some thoughts on this topic? Leave some comments!

Kids Can Make Their Own Fun

I was planning for end-of-school-year activities with the parents of one of my kids the other day.  The parents are responsible for bringing in the food and planning the "party" for the last day of school.

All of the parents want it to be a fun event for their kids.  Some of them want it to be really quite special.  They started talking about the different possibilities of things we could plan for them.  The thing is, it actually means "plan," "organize," and then "put it all together." I listened for a while; some of the parents went a little crazy with their ideas and talked about all of the possibilities around this one theme.

This got me thinking.  Why do parents always seem to feel the need to find activities for their kids?  I've heard parents say, "Well, I have active children." I've also heard, "I don't want bored kids." But what actually happened to letting kids find their own activities?  Children can actually come up with some pretty fantastic ways of entertaining themselves since they don't have the adult filters their parents have. AND, kids learn to be self sufficient with their entertainment!

Back to the class party...While I have no doubt that doing some of what was discussed would be very special, a couple of the ideas would require quite a lot of work by the parents to get the venue set up.  While there's nothing wrong with putting together something really special and putting a lot of work into it, it seemed as though we, as a group of parents, have done that a lot for this class.  After listening for a bit, I finally spoke up and said that I really thought that we could set up the basics of the event, but that these kids can really make their own fun.  A couple of the mothers agreed wholeheartedly.  Some weren't convinced.

Back to what I was saying before... Are we, as a collective of parents, so used to doing and creating for our kids that we don't enable them to learn the skill of making their own fun?  Wow.  If that's the case, we are certainly doing our kids a disservice.

I have friends today that go somewhere, and if unexpected things happen to make the day or evening different than planned, they are completely miserable.  (My husband and I just went somewhere with a couple that seem to have to be entertained.  My husband commented to me at the end of the evening that he was glad we knew how to "make our own fun.")  Is there so much media and just general noise today that people have forgotten how to have fun in the simplest situations, or did they never learn how to do that to begin with?

I'm not sure.  But I do know that the people I like to be around the most know how to have fun in so many different situations.  And that's definitely something I want my kids to know how to do.  What do you think?


For similar topics visit my pages on Positive Parenting with Purpose.com called "Parenting Today", Parental Influence, and "Self Esteem".

Parenting Tips - Installment 1

I've been asked, a lot recently, about some key parenting tips. What are some ways to improve the relationship between the parent and the child?

There are a number of things that come to mind.  Since there are quite a few, I'll cover them in a couple of different blog posts. 

The most general, sort of all-encompassing parenting principle is to:

• Parent from a place of love. 

What does that mean?  It means to think about what you do, what rules you put into place, and how you talk with your kids and make sure you are coming from a place of love... not a place where you just have to be in control.

• Parent with integrity.  

Do what you say.  Be the example in this regard.  Every  time a parent says they're going to do something and doesn't, they are not keeping their word to their kids.  That teaches the kids that their parents don't always keep their word, but it also teaches them that keeping your word isn't an important character trait.  

• Parent with consistency.  

Letting your children know what to expect is a good thing.  They have a clearer understanding about what you think is good and what is not acceptable behavior.  And keep the consequences for unacceptable behavior consistent.

Being consistent also means sharing a plan with your spouse so that you and your spouse are on the same page.  You and your spouse are a team.  Your kids need to see you that way.

My next post will continue with more parenting tips, or parenting principles.  Until then, feel free to check out my Positive Parenting Tips page, or some of the pages specifically related to this post like "Good Parenting through Consistency", "Tough Love Parenting", "Raising Children" by Being the Example, Positive Parenting by Focusing on Your Marriage, and "Personal Values".