Active Children - Positive Parenting by Keeping Adolescents Busy

I read the title above and wondered, "Hmmm. Wonder how that will hit people when they read it?"

Keeping children "busy" doesn't necessarily sound like good parenting.  But in looking around at children who are nearing the pre-teen or teenage years, I have to believe that children who have an endeavor that they can focus on don't have idle time to spend getting into something ... else.

I have found that kids need help at young ages finding things to focus on.  Most children I've known, including my own, don't focus easily on any one thing for any lengthy period of time.  They might need a little push, (operative word "little.")  Getting them excited about a musical instrument, a past time that has goals like sports or other competitions like spelling, math, or debate for example, can be very healthy.  And it can be healthy in many ways.  I DO have to say that there are ways of going about this that might NOT be good, like pushing kids into things that they really don't like, pushing too hard, etc., but exposing them to some of these activities and encouraging them to focus on being really good at something, is GOOD!

This isn't to say that children don't need some time just to play, but being able to develop focus early on is a good thing.


A close friend of mine that I really respect was talking with a couple of my kids the other day.  He was talking with them about life, and about choices along the way.  One of my kids asked him, "How come you're good at so many things?"  He said to them, "I'm not great at everything, but I made a decision a long time ago that I want to be a collector of things I can do!"  What an interesting way of explaining that.  He went on to say that it opens a lot of doors in life to know how to do things, to understand things, and to be able to relate and talk with others about activities.  He also said that it makes you more interesting.

I want my children to have interests.  I want them to pursue interests.  I want them to be active children.  Heck.  If all parents were to encourage being really involved in constructive activities, (what some might think is part of active parenting), it might just also help a little with our problem with childhood obesity that we face.

What are your thoughts on helping children find endeavors to focus on?  Do you think it should be part of "Positive Parenting with a Plan"? Let us know!  Comment here, or let us know on Positive Parenting with Purpose!

Teaching Kids an "I Can" Attitude

This is kind of titled incorrectly in a way.  I believe that you can't really teach attitude.  You can talk with your kids about attitude, about how it makes a difference in life in so many ways, but you can't teach it.  It's one of those things that a child -- anyone for that matter -- has to decide about on their own.

Attitude is one of those things that I think somewhat germinates on its own.  It's how someone plants the seeds of their thought that makes the difference in whether our outlook is sunny or cloudy or somewhere in between.  I believe that it all starts with thought.

I was at a training seminar a couple of years ago and was given a poster that says it better than I can.  Here it is:

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.  Choose your words for they become actions.  Understand your action for it becomes habit.  Study your habits for they create character.  Develop your character for it becomes your destiny."  (Author Unknown.)

So back to the topic, Teaching Kids an "I Can" Attitude.  Since we can't really teach attitude, but we want our children to understand the importance of it and try to maintain a positive outlook, how do we do it?  I believe that one of the best ways is to demonstrate it.  Be the example. (See my site's page on being a good influence as a parent by being a good example.)  Kids learn best not by being told, but by being shown -- through observation.  And as I sit here writing this, I am coming up with a whole bunch of things I can do a better job demonstrating myself!

I'm writing this post today because I think it's so interesting how chance encounters or just specific moments in our lives can really make us think.  I mean, think at a deeper level than our hustle and bustle lives usually allow us to.  It's interesting how the thoughts that come out of these moments can change our entire outlook, hopefully, for good.

I received an e-mail from someone I don't know today.  She's a cancer survivor.  But, that's just a label. (She's also a mother and wife, among, I'm sure, many other noble labels.)  After being introduced to her blog and reading it, I can only believe that she's had an amazing journey --- one of optimism, courage, leadership, and grace.  I don't know Heather, but I was inspired by her blog and want to wish her the best.  If you'd like to read about her journey yourself, click here to read her blog.

She's demonstrated the "I Can" attitude for her daughter.  What better way for a daughter to learn a whole host of fantastic character traits than to see her mother exemplifying them?  So this e-mail I got from Heather today was a reminder for me today about the power of example, especially as it relates to attitude.  I'll be especially aware of it later today with my own family and hope to be a good example for them, not just today, but for the days that follow, too.

Thanks for the reminder, Heather.  Best regards.


For more topics related to this one, check out my site's pages on "Parenting Today" through a Can Do attitude,  and "Teaching Your Children Values". 

Are You TOO Active with Your Kids?

Seems like a strange title, when just a while ago I wrote a post about active parenting.  This other post was about staying actively involved in your kids' lives.  So now why the turnabout?

I see it often, and I'm involved in it myself:  being too involved with toting the kids here and there, doing their laundry, making their dinner, cleaning up their belongings.  There's nothing wrong with that, per se.  Heck.  That's part of what we're supposed to do.  It's what parents have to do with very young kids.

But there needs to be a balance when kids begin to get a little older.
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I believe strongly that, when kids see that you put them first all of the time, they begin to think of themselves as worthy of being put first all the time!  While a strong self-image is good for their emotional development, healthy emotional development to me is about helping them develop a balanced sense of self-worth --- balanced between themselves and others.  When parents do for their kids all of the time and never take time for themselves -- and never let their kids see you taking time for yourself as a parent -- the kids can easily become self-centered.

It's so easy to become so involved in your kids sports, dance, or other activities that you almost lose yourself; you lose a part of you because you put your own interests on the back burner.  The challenge is to find the balance between doing for your kids, and getting involved in your own endeavors.

I recently realized that I've got an imbalance in my household.  My husband travels so I spend the week keeping my kids organized, clean, and active. When I thought about it, I realized that they don't see me putting aside time for me. I had to institute a little tough love parenting and told my older kids that I realized there wasn't any time for me.  I've started having them help with the laundry and soon I think it will be a great thing to have them doing their own laundry and putting it away.  They have some additional chores around the house that will eventually take more off my plate, while making them realize more responsibility.  We've set aside some time at the end of their evening where they read, and I get some time to myself.  I also take some time on the weekend to do my sports (archery) while they help their dad in the yard. 

This plan might not be your cup of tea.  The point is, realize when you're catering too much to your kids -- when there is a complete imbalance that shouldn't exist, and one that will do a disservice to your kids' later by feeding a self-centered attitude.  Balance it where you can.  Teach them respect by showing them respect, but also by expecting some give with the take.  Have a talk with your kids and have them help you figure out how to get more balanced.  They might just enjoy being involved in the solution, and it can certainly serve them well later on!



For pages that serve the post above, check out my site's page on self - esteem, teaching personal values, the many ways parents teach children,  teaching children about manners, and parenting talk.

An Observation

Last night, I went to another child's practice.  It was a 2-hour thing, so I took my other children, one of whom has just turned 1.

There was a father there who made eyes at this baby for quite some time.  He played peek-a-boo and other games with him, and had him thoroughly entertained... for a while.  Then the baby decided he didn't want to sit on my lap any more.  He wanted to be down, exploring.

He started fussing, and the father who'd been playing with him, offered to hold him.  I gladly accepted.  This father must have played with my baby for an hour and a half!  He got down on the baby's level and really played.  I don't mean like a parent sort of plays with someone else's child.  I mean like a buddy plays with a friend (if you can say that at a 1-year old's age!)  He had him crawling around, picking the clover, crawling to the fence, checking out the other kids, playing with the keys.  They did, went, saw, crawled, sat, clapped, "talked" and laughed. They covered some territory.

I remember sitting there and thinking how grateful I was to have someone so into having fun with my child.  And I was grateful to have a moment to just be by myself for a bit, which doesn't happen much in my household.

I also remember thinking about some people that I know.  They have several kids.  The mom and dad both work.  And I never see the parents really interact with their kids.  Oh, they do things for and with them.  But there's not much actual interaction between the parents and the kids.  The go from here to there together, but the parents are always chatting with other adults, to the point that they don't really even watch their kids when other adults are around.  Now I don't know this, but it's almost like they truly love their kids, but don't really want to spend any of their time connecting with them.

I looked back at this father who was playing with my baby.  Now he obviously loves kids, and he really knows how to interact -- to really connect -- with at least 1 that I know of!

But I also know that he's an excellent father to his own kids.  He's fun, he smiles a lot, but serious when he has to be, he takes things as they come, and he doesn't let the little things bother him.  (He didn't have a bit of concern that his work slacks were incredibly dirty; it was all part of the way it was supposed to be.)

What a great example he is to other parents, and probably even more importantly, to his own kids.  (What do you think the odds are that his kids will end up adopting some of the ways that they've seen from their own father when it's their turn?)


To read more or become part of our parenting forum, please visit us at Positive-Parenting-with-Purpose.com.  Here, you'll find more on active parenting, how focusing on a positive marriage is crucial when trying to be a positive influence, the power of teaching children positive thinking when parenting today, and many many more positive parenting tips!

And come share your thoughts on the on-site forum!

I Found Myself in an Authoritarian Style of Parenting Today

I like to think that I use an authoritative style of parenting.  This parenting style provides boundaries, but gets the child involved in some of the decision making and also the consequences of the decisions.  Those who use the authoritative parenting style show their kids that they are valued through their interactions.

But I found myself in authoritarian parenting mode today.  I was barking orders at my kids and then just found myself frustrated with them.  I was definitely "talking at" them instead of with them.

It wasn't a good day.

Fortunately, I can do something about that.

I believe in active parenting, part of which means to evaluate my interactions with my kids similarly to what I might do with my friends or business associates and then make adjustments if I need to.

I'll do better tomorrow.  I'll be more open to listening, talking with them, and try to have more patience than I did today.  Mostly, I'll remember that they're little adults in the making, and be more flexible with them as it relates to the boundaries that don't need to be so firm.

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If you'd like to get more tips and join a discussion with other parents, come see my site, Positive Parenting with Purpose, and visit these pages for more specifics on: the types of parenting styles, active parenting, parenting talk, and parenting stress.