Parenting Children by Being a Parent Not a Friend

Most anybody parenting children would probably say that they really want their kids to like them.  As a matter of fact, I don't know anyone in my friendship circle that doesn't really want their kids to like them. But I do think that there is a fine line between wanting your kids to like you and going too far to become friends with them when what they need is parents.

This is a tough one for me.  I really do want my kids to think that I'm a cool parent; I want them to like me and I want them to want to bring their friends around and not be embarrassed by their mom.  But I guess what I want more, is for them to respect me, and ultimately grow up being respectful, well - adjusted young adults that can understand and appreciate boundaries (relational, societal, etc.)

Now I'm not saying I believe that parents shouldn't be close with their kids.  It's just the opposite, and ultimately, parents having a responsible friendship with their kids is great.  The key, though, is still being a responsible adult with them.  This isn't demonstrated when parents want their kids to like them to the point that they don't help their children.  Being a parent first means being consistent with what you say and do, not rewarding bad behavior because you don't want to create a rift, and not making unpopular decisions because of concern for the kids' reactions.

I found a great article that goes into some other points about this important distinction.  It's called "Your Child is not Your 'Friend'."

I believe responsibly parenting children means knowing at what stage in their development the parents can begin to back away from being just a parent into more of a friendship role.

I have some very close friends who came over this past weekend.  Actually, I am close friends with the father and my kids are very close with his kids.  (He joined all of those that consider themselves one parent families a couple of years ago.  And he's not a single parent with an ex who sometimes helps out; the mother of his children is not in the picture at all.)

He adores his kids.  One of the primary ways that he shows this is by being such a great friend to his children.  And while I absolutely love his kids, I do wonder if their somewhat flippant attitude (that is sometimes really cute), will hurt them in the long run.  They tend to want to befriend adults -- verbally sparring and teasing.

This might be a huge help for them in life because they don't seem fearful of interacting with those older than they are.   But I did notice that, at times, they seem to cross a line.  The other adults that were there seemed to feel the same way.

Only time will tell in this case, and of course, I wish this family only the best.

In my family, though, and because of other situations I've observed where befriending kids seemed to be a detriment, I think I'll continue to ensure they my little folks know their boundaries, explore them and learn what's acceptable and what's not NOW, versus later, and then when they're young adults, I'll hope that that friendship I want can be true and deep with them.

Here's another story from a writer for the Occupy Parenthood section of Communities @ Washington Times.  Her article is titled, "Being a Parent Versus Being a Friend."

What do you think of this topic?  Let me know in the comments section here.



Also, find more on this and other parenting topics at Positive Parenting with Purpose, including some good parenting reference material like parenting books, the best parenting books and parenting classes.

Parents Teach Children

Parents teach children so incredibly much every day.

Oh, yeah.  If you ask any parent, they'll probably say that they know that.  But I certainly have a hard time remembering that fact when I'm going throughout my day with my children.

For me, what's really important to keep in the back of my mind, is those opportunities to teach without really going through the normal motions of "teaching." What I mean is this:  instructing is one thing, and it clearly has it's place in active parenting.  However, I truly believe that those moments when kids are taught without noticeable instruction -- when they learn through circumstances -- can be the most significant in shaping a child.

I think about my day with my children.  I teach them about a sense of urgency, I teach them how to tie shoes, how to hang a pair of pants, how to groom for the day, how to stack the dishwasher, some school subjects like math and language arts, how to work a baby diaper change, and on and on.  It's the opportunities to learn about character, though, as well as reasoning, that come and go.  And it's what I do, (or don't do, for parents teach children either way) with those opportunities that really matters for me as a parent, and for my children.  I think we all have little opportunities almost every day for teaching children values, respect, integrity, honesty, and other character-building lessons.  Where the rubber meets the road is what we do with them.

Still, life does get in the way.  Busyness takes the lead.  And while I need to extend myself some grace about missed chances to develop character, (or to help them to develop their own) I also need to start my day with some good preparation to capture those the next time.  And capturing them might be as little as being a good parental influence -- demonstrating for them how to handle situations.  They learn SO much just by watching us.

Sound like a bunch of hooha?  Maybe.  But I have a clear understanding about the short time I have as one of the two most influential people in my kiddos' lives.  So, I take it seriously.

What do you think?



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Teaching Social Skills within the Family

I heard our minister talk about teaching social skills the other day.  Well, his topic was more about how family members interact, but it had a broader reach, as well.

It was quite interesting, the context that he used to get his message across.  The entire premise was that, aside from teaching personal values, if the adults in the family would just come out of their own world long enough to ask one simple question, it would affect the entire mood of the family, and this ultimately could have a profound effect on how kids socialize.  The question was, "what can I do to help?"

Now, I didn't come up with this, my minister did, but I got to thinking about the implications of this question.  After using it for a while, would the kids in the family start to ask it, too?  Wow.  Now that would be something.

I started to think that one actually goes through some specific exercises when teaching social skills, and teaching children about money, for example.  But teaching them how to find moments of selflessness -- of helpfulness to others -- that's something that they probably learn best by seeing in action. (The same is true with teaching children to pray, and teaching values.)

I started thinking about how often, in the craziness of our schedule, I just want my kids to do this, do that, and then get this or that done before we have to leave to go somewhere.  But how often to I ask them, "what can I do to help?", and how would that change how they approach situations both within our family and outside our family if this question -- and the sentiment behind it -- became a regular part of how we interact? 


For similar topics, come visit my website and check out the pages on "teaching children about manners", "teaching kids about respect", "teaching children the value of money", and "teaching children about diversity".

Changing a Baby's Diaper - The Odor of Yours Vs Others

For those of you that have to go through the regular changing of a baby's diaper, I am wondering if you experience the same thing that I do.  Please note that today's blog is more based on curiosity than on anything having to do with good parenting, but sometimes I just have to go there.

I have had several kids.  I'm used to changing diapers.  It's old hat by now.  I currently have two that are much older and one that is still a baby and because of that, goes through about 10 diapers a day.  (How such a small thing could be so constantly eliminating heaps of waste, I'll never know.) 

When I notice that my little guy needs a diaper change, it stinks.  That's usually the main sign that the child is dirty, right? I go to change the baby's diaper and there usually is a small little nugget, but it is packed with smell!  Here's the question though:  How come, when I go to change other people's babies, they seem to smell ten times worse?

I have a niece that I love very much.  Even so, when I'm getting her cleaned up and into a fresh diaper, it is totally putrid.  I love her.  I love my own kids.  Why do the others smell so bad?  Is there something about changing a baby's diaper -- a baby that doesn't come directly from you -- that makes it so intolerable?  (At one point, I was beginning to think that it was some weird kind of defense mechanism...)

Any ideas?

Come visit my pages for more serious information about baby diapers, the baby diaper change process, potty training girls and boys, and general potty training signs. Find all of this and more at Positive Parenting with Purpose!

Domestic Discipline Stories

I've been reading a lot of blogs and forums out there recently and, wow!  There are a lot of discussions going on in social media regarding what is the right method to discipline children. There are a lot of thought out there, but little in the way of personal domestic discipline stories. Spanking, time - outs, grounding, taking away privileges, only positive reinforcement -- Which is right and is it partially determined by what you, yourself, went through?

Did you experience mostly positive reinforcement?  Do you have your own corporal punishment stories from when you grew up?  Do you believe that you use old fashioned discipline, or are you trying to use newer ideas when it comes to disciplining kids?

Well, one thing is for certain when it comes to domestic discipline.  People generally have strong opinions one way or another.

My parents rarely spanked me or my brother.  And I can pretty much remember clearly the times that they did, and what I was spanked for.  I have some close friends that claim that they have never raised their voices at their children, and from what I've seen, I believe that.  And their kids are fantastic.  They're respectful, well - behaved, and articulate young adults.

So I'm asking my readers to share their domestic discipline stories... either situations they recall from their own childhood, or situations with their kids.  Come on.  Share.  Share the good, the bad, the ugly.  If you want, do it anonymously.  But I really think it'll be interesting to get some dialogue going on this.

To weigh in specifically on your preferred method of discipline, head over to my site and submit your comments. To do that, click here. Come visit my "parenting discipline" page for more on this topic.  Click here for information on toddler tantrums. 

Want to have a clearer definition for domestic discipline?  Check out what Wiki has to say.

Active Children - Positive Parenting by Keeping Adolescents Busy

I read the title above and wondered, "Hmmm. Wonder how that will hit people when they read it?"

Keeping children "busy" doesn't necessarily sound like good parenting.  But in looking around at children who are nearing the pre-teen or teenage years, I have to believe that children who have an endeavor that they can focus on don't have idle time to spend getting into something ... else.

I have found that kids need help at young ages finding things to focus on.  Most children I've known, including my own, don't focus easily on any one thing for any lengthy period of time.  They might need a little push, (operative word "little.")  Getting them excited about a musical instrument, a past time that has goals like sports or other competitions like spelling, math, or debate for example, can be very healthy.  And it can be healthy in many ways.  I DO have to say that there are ways of going about this that might NOT be good, like pushing kids into things that they really don't like, pushing too hard, etc., but exposing them to some of these activities and encouraging them to focus on being really good at something, is GOOD!

This isn't to say that children don't need some time just to play, but being able to develop focus early on is a good thing.


A close friend of mine that I really respect was talking with a couple of my kids the other day.  He was talking with them about life, and about choices along the way.  One of my kids asked him, "How come you're good at so many things?"  He said to them, "I'm not great at everything, but I made a decision a long time ago that I want to be a collector of things I can do!"  What an interesting way of explaining that.  He went on to say that it opens a lot of doors in life to know how to do things, to understand things, and to be able to relate and talk with others about activities.  He also said that it makes you more interesting.

I want my children to have interests.  I want them to pursue interests.  I want them to be active children.  Heck.  If all parents were to encourage being really involved in constructive activities, (what some might think is part of active parenting), it might just also help a little with our problem with childhood obesity that we face.

What are your thoughts on helping children find endeavors to focus on?  Do you think it should be part of "Positive Parenting with a Plan"? Let us know!  Comment here, or let us know on Positive Parenting with Purpose!

Parenting Talks with Kids

The other day, our minister brought up a point that I thought was really good.  It's something I'd thought about before, but the context he put it in brought his point home really well.

His discussion was about how to reach others when you're talking with them -- how to really make an impact.  The example he used was when he was talking with his son; all parents who have or have had adolescents or teens know how difficult it can sometimes be to reach them.

His story was about how his wife makes dinner for the family every night, and quite often, his son would throw a fit as soon as dinner was served.  (He apparently was a very picky eater, and didn't like the looks of much of what his mother served.)  He'd scowl up his face and make ugly comments about the food before he even tasted it.

The minister went on to say that he found something that was really important to the boy, (his Leggo creations) and the next time the boy came to show his dad his creation, his dad praised him, pointed out all of the great things about what his son had done, and made him feel really good about it, as he usually did when his son showed him what he'd built.  This time, though, he drew a parallel to the boy's mother who spent hours making dinner every night for the family.  He asked his son how HE would feel if, instead of telling the boy all of the great things about his Leggo creation, his father didn't even want to look at it, or didn't say anything nice about it.

The minister continued to tell his audience what happened in the discussion with his son; his son understood what it might be like to have his feelings hurt from insensitive comments.

The point to all of this was this:  facts can teach.  But you can really reach someone when you combine facts with feelings.  The father was able to find something that the boy felt really strongly about, and use that along with some facts, to make his point.

This can be the difference between what seems like "talking at" a son or daughter, and "talking with" them.  It's about talking their language.  It could take a little work, and some planning, but the results might be well worth it.  (And it might save a lot of other work -- and frustration -- that you might face otherwise!

And it's amazing where these kind of reminders might come from!


For more on this and other positive parenting topics, visit Positive Parenting with Purpose.  For specific pages related to this topic, check out Positive Parenting with a Plan, Parenting Talk, Emotional Development, and Parenting Skills.